At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I came this close!!!!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
i think both sides are to blame here
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Interior design 👌
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.