“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.