Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.