Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
An odd boast
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”