“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.