[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks