I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.