[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”