“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.