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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?