A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge