[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.