His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
the clam before the storm
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.