i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant