Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back