[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m already scared
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.