*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
How dramatic are you?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!