it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”