Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Finally!
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Please do it!
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.