*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I never needed anything more in my life
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.