Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath