I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
(by @ZachWeiner )
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
We need more people like this.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back