Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs