A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.