Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.