Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
それは草
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”