I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Potatoes were such a good idea
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
knights of the ikea table
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?