Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
A woman drives into a bar.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.