Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.