Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
every single time
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”