Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You Might Also Like
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.