Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Friday
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.