Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.