If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU