A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared