1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
pls suprot
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If you breakdance you buy dance.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”