Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.