A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.