Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.