I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.