If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…