If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
They got Raph!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.