hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.