Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.