I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Body by cheese-puffs.