Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…