I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
📽️movie date🎞️
This anagram machine is out of order.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.