Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.