Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat