Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*gets down on one knee*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.